Thursday, November 29, 2007

Stubborn and Pigheaded

Yeah, that would be us. Yesterday morning my seemingly caring husband and I, his seemingly devoted wife, had a fight. And we haven't spoken since. Over what you ask? Well isn't it obvious? It's the same fight married couples have been having since the dawn of time. He won't put his dirty clothes in the hamper. But that's not what bothers me the most. That's not what caused me to say, uh-huh buddy. I'm not giving in this time. The self-imposed conversation embargo stems from the fact that he thinks it's my job to pick up his clothes. Because...and I quote...what else do you have to do?

What else do I have to do? WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO?? Well let's see. I am the primary caregiver to our children. I have laundry, housecleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and homework to do. I have his lunch to pack because I'm that idiot. I'm the fool who gets up with him in the morning to finish packing his lunch. See he doesn't take a lunch bag to work. OH NO. He takes a 9 qt. Coleman cooler to work. And it's never a sandwich in there. So every morning I get the containers of food out of the refrigerator that I have packed for him, his snack cakes, his crackers, his bag-o-chips and silverware and pack his lunch. Then I fix his coffee. I make sure he has an extra pack of smokes (shut up, I know it's a bad habit.) And why do I do this? It's the same reason that no one in this house knows how to fix a plate of food. I do this because I care. I enjoy making his life a little more comfortable. Oh and
then at the end of the day, I'm expected to give him a little sugar.

I know that this man works hard. He works outside. Not a bad deal in the spring or early fall when the sun is warm and there's a nice breeze in the air. But in the dead of summer with high humidity and no breeze or the dead of winter with below zero temperatures and tons of sucks. And he works a lot of overtime. So I enjoy making his life at home a little nicer. But, he labors under the delusion that because I "don't work" (yeah, right buddy) that I should wait on him hand over freaking foot. And you know what the funny thing is? I would and I do. Just so long as he appreciates it. Yesterday's little comment sent me right over the edge.

Now normally, because I hate fighting, I would have spoken to him when he got home last night. I would have presented my feelings on the matter, listened to his sorry-ass excuse of an apology ('what do you want me to say...I'm sorry? I'm sorry'), accepted it and moved on. But this is not the first time he has made comments like that to me. As if I'm am some sub-standard person now because I don't have a job outside of the home. And while I know in my heart that he doesn't truly feel that way...enough is freaking enough. Now generally, he's very appreciative. He always compliments my cooking (which btw he still did last night but it was to the kids while I was in the kitchen getting a container for the left-over sauce.) He will tell me the house looks nice. And so on and so forth. Which is precisely the reason why I tend to let his little snide comments go because I know that it was said in the heat of an argument and is really not how he truly feels. But did you ever reach a breaking point? Yesterday morning I did.

I watched Joel Osteen last night on TV. He talked about loving one another as today was your last day on earth. He talked about being the bigger person and letting things go. He talked about how it's not always about being right, it's about serving God and others as He serves us. And his devotional in my inbox this morning? Same thing. So I cried and repented to God and then cried some more. But then I got composure before Kenny saw me and stuck to my guns. Stubborn, pig-headed,
not at all Christian-like. And I thought about turning around this morning to say I was sorry when he picked up his lunch and started to head out the door. But he never even looked my way. It has now become a battle of wits. I think that tonight when we watch Grey's Anatomy, I'll put on a teddy.

Blessing of the day: I'm blessed to have a marriage that I know will sustain this.


Karen H. said...

Good Morning Julie,
Ouch, I know how you feel there. My hubby is the only one who works outside of this home as well. I am a stay at home mom. I take care of the kids, do the laundry, take the kids to school, pick them up, take them to their school activities, take them to basketball games and softball games, and other things they are involved with. It is alot of work being a stay at home mom. I always tell hubby that I just don't get paid for it. He says you get paid every week when I get his check. Yeah right. I get his check and take care of the bills and whatever else needs to be paid. Is there anything else left for me to do what I want to do with it? I think NOT. I get so frustrated alot. When he is home on the weekends and the girls are arguing or yelling at each other and they come to me to tell on each other, I tell them to go tell your daddy. YOU DO HAVE A DADDY. So, I know how you feel there. Me and hubby has arguments as well. But, I always swallow my pride because I think what if its the last time I see him? I don't want things to be this way should something happen. Needless to say we always work things out. He told me early in our marriage that his father told him to Never Go to Bed Angry With Each Other. We have done that several times, but got up the next morning and worked things out. I think this time of year there is so much stress that it is hard on people in general. I will keep you in my prayers and pray you will work things out. Take care my friend and have a great Thursday. May God Bless You and Yours.

Karen H.

Anita said...

I watched Joel too... And the hardest part was when he talked about not trying to change the other person mut to just focus on being a good Christian ourselves... It's so hard to NOT try and change them when you're constantly tripping over their dirty clothes... *sigh* I haven't figured this one out, either...
Hang in there... You're in my prayers!

Alice said...

I understand completely. You do all these caring things because you want to. You wouldn't have to do them but you go the extra mile. To have your husband, even momentarily, think it's your job as though you were the hired help instead of YOU performing these loving acts is really hurtful.

restyled home said...

If there is a club to join that includes women who "fight it out" by ignoring their hubbies and using the silent treatment...I'm in!! Childish or not, I still do it, almost instinctively!
I know you think you were getting a sign from God to let sleeping dogs lie, but what about your hubby? I don't think it is necessarily your place to just get over it and forgive, because then what has he learned? Why don't husbands feel the need to keep the peace? Why don't they be the "bigger person" and just apologize in a genuine way?? I think this needs to be discussed futher until he realizes how much his words stung. But before you do, I like the teddy idea...sweet revenge!!!
Oh, and don't forget, this will subside and you'll be adoring each other again very soon!!

Good luck!
Linda xox

the feathered nest said...

Oh Dear! That was bad. I would have been really hurt by that comment. I would let him know how I felt though and then move on. I'm a SAHM too and it always irritates me when people ask me what I do "all day". Like caring for my family, home, yard, finances etc isn't enough. This will pass, but I would let him know how that comment made you feel.



From the Doghouse said...

I have so many comments I don't know where to start!

Sandi said...

Unsolicited advice: Stop pampering, let him fix his own lunch a time or two. Let him wash his own clothes for a few days. Take a "girls night" and leave him at home in the evenings to feed, bathe, do homework with and put the kids to bed. See what he thinks of your "not working" at that point.

He'll come around. Trust me.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who Joel Osteen is, but maybe he can sleep with your husband until you get that apology.

Then again, maybe this is why I'm single.

Anonymous said...

Julie, Im so happy you posted this so I can see you are human also. See I for some reason have in my mind you are this beautiful angel in another place( which you are) that has a perfect life. Today shows me you are one of us. I say that as I look at dirty underware in my bathroom. We always fight about this.I know it is gross, but I tell him is never ask him to pickup such a thing as my dirty drawers=) I decided one time to let the pile grow..mind you it drove me nuts.One day when he ask where are my clean undies i smiled and said in the floor where you have piled them for weeks.
I have always beem an at home mom and yes like you I spoiled them all.That is what helped me decide to get out and work I was taken advantage of and wanted to feel needed. It didn't take hot meals at night..I was one to hold while he slept...I was sitting with someone and then he started doing his laundry because I had to sleep days to sit nights.I think it caused him to see what I have meant to them all those years. He has stated doing little things around the house that still blow my mind.Even cooks some wow.
You know it is ok to get angry jesus did,but knowing that when he sends you a message that you have a soft heart to repent.
Hugs to someone I feel is and angel on earth.

Linda said...

Good Morning Julie, I think he spoke without realizing how is comment would hurt. I know you have a wonderful life and wouldn't change a thing and he feels the same. It hard to say I'm sorry especially when you didn't do anything wrong...but I don't like the silent treatment I think a red teddy is a perfect solution.
The ham gravy sound very easy, I can so that and will make some next time we have ham:)
Hugs Linda

FarmHouse Style said...

Oh, Julie couldn't you just wring their inconsiderate necks some times!!! I know that must have really hurt your would have hurt mine. Like you, I always get my husband ready to go to work, I pamper him because I love him and I appreciate that he works and I am able to stay at home.

You know he probably is sorry and is kicking himself for saying that to you...maybe the teddy will help him admit it...*hehehe*

Love ya,

FarmHouse Style said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lori said...

YOU are TOO much!!
I JUST said this morning that I feel like I DO all the work around here...
got a look like, 'what??'
Oh well, deal with that later..
I cracked UP when I read this...seems we are at times in a parallel universe!

Well, good thing Pastor Joel was put on the path:)
The cartoon was HILARIOUS!
This too shall pass...
Scott always wants to know why I have to HANG ON longer than he does...I tell him that's the way the GOOD LORD made me!!:) and I smile!
YOU MADE ME LAUGH...The clothes on the floor issue..if you solve it, let me know....
and save a marriage or 2!!:)
love and hugs!

Farmgirl Cyn said...

"Above ALL, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1Peter 4:8
I do have the same problem with my hubby, Julie, but when I get upset over it, I remind myself how very fortunate I am to have a hard-working husband and how privileged I am to get to stay home and not work. There very well might come a day when he is no longer with me, and I know I would be ecstatic to have underwear and smelly socks to once again pick up.
Just a little bit of a different perspective for you to think about!
And a red teddy can't hurt either!

red tin heart said...

Honey, it is hard when someone does not appreciate us. And I don't think you are as mad as you are hurt. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean we have to be door mats. Just talk to him in a calm voice even if you feel like slapping him, and tell him how that made you feel. A gentle word can break a bone is what it says in Proverbs. But you have every right to feel the way you do. It will work out. xoxo Nita said...

Sounds like home. I've spoiled my husband and family to the point that they expect pampering and special care.

Dena ~ swaddlecottage said...

Hi Jules,

He will come around. I'm sure he realizes how lucky he his is with all that pampering. If not, stick his dirties in that lil' ice chest instead...(or maybe the teddy) ;)


Terri and Bob said...

Oh heavens, I almost wet my pants here at school reading your post. Girl, STOP MAKING THOSE LUNCHES until he figures out who is really the WORKER in your family!!

You cracked me up with the teddy thing... I can't wait for tomorrow's post!

Supermom said...

DH and I didn't speak for 10 days prior to Thanksgiving... and it all ended in the whole you-don't-appreciate-all-I-do thing...

Finally got past it but jeez the two of us are both stubborn....

Sharon said...


My husband and I have gone through the whole routine. It is frustrating and seems so not fair. But I have learned that when I do it God's way, when I put my husband first and I submit to him and I appologize first things always work better. I started applying this probably 13 years ago (we have been married 25) and when I started really submitting, he started doing his part of really loving me, which part of really loving me is listening to me and picking up his own laundry. It is a weird cycle, but God calls us women to do it and it does work. God is the head over the husband and wife and God set it up that the husband is over the wife and both are over the children. God will bless you if you do it His way. I would suggest you quietly pick up his laundry again without saying anything and then wear the teddy. I think that might work pretty good, but your heart has to be right too.

Good luck! It is amazing how we can love a person so much but they can make us so mad! Even after 25 years of marriage we have tiffs like this.

I'll say a quick prayer for you. Good luck!

:0) Sharon

Anonymous said...

"I would and I do. Just so long as he appreciates it.

That's it right there. But making him suffer with a little teddy action? That is brilliant!

joan said...

I think you are going to get alot of comments from women who completely understand where you are coming from with this. I appreciate your honesty in telling us and this is the stuff that marriage is made of, isn't it? You know Julie, I just love your total honesty here on your site. Take care.

Nan said...

Mine was spoiled when I always worked and now I'm not. I think it's good for him to provide for some of the "things" that he took for granted. I also don't feel a bit guilty about watching soaps and Oprah! They don't think like us. It makes me crazy sometimes. I usually do the silent treatment like my Mom. Good luck.

Lynn@ The Vintage Nest said...

Julie, he probably has no idea you are still upset. That's the way they are. Last week when the upstairs bath ran out of toilet paper on him he just got a new roll but instead of putting it on the roller he just sat it on the counter. I was bound and determined I wasn't going to put it on the roller and you know what? That roll sat there until it was all gone and I know dh never gave it a thought but it drove me nuts. :) He never shuts a closet door or turns out a light. I put up with the stuff until I reach a breaking point and go ballastic when I know in my heart these things don't mean a hill of beans but sometimes enough is enough. About the teddie...brilliant. xoxo Lynn

rosemary said...

Sorry Julie, Sorry Joel, Sorry Dear is about Julie being right. That was so not nice Mr. Julie and so uncalled for. Wear a terrycloth robe with the teddy under it and no touching. Make him face up to what he said. Gee, I wonder what he would do if you just left his dirty clothes where he dropped them, vacuumed around them and if he complained tell him you do laundry from the hamper because you have nothing else to do. Yes, I am a bitch. love, rosemary

Rosie's Whimsy said...

These things will pass, too. And, my heart goes out to you as you work through it. Hugs, Rosie

Cindy ~ My Romantic Home said...

It probably helped so much for you to write that all out. I know that helps me so much when I'm steaming mad! Once I put it all on paper somehow it lessens the anger I'm holding inside. Your post brought up so many memories of when I was married and what it felt like to be unappreciated. I don't miss that part of married life at all! Hang in there!

Donna said...

Hmmmm, we've all been there. Hope things are better tomorrow.

Diane said...

Oh you are such a dear! Oh how I and many women know how you feel. I think we have the most unappreciated job on the face of this earth. I don't know what happened to me. Maybe I just got old! LOL These remarks don't bother me anymore. Maybe God healed me! LOL! I guess by the time you get to your third husband you have seen the good, bad and ugly and decide that hey this aint so bad after all! I do remember not talking to my other 2 husbands for days but this husband just rubs me the right way I guess! It will work out and maybe your husband will learn to word things a little differently.....after enough silence~ LOL!

Counting Your Blessings said...

Ok I'll bare the ugly stick today... The other night when I was most definitely not in THE mood (hint, hint) my hubby said in a laughing kind of way, "You're just using me so that you don't have to get a job, aren't you?" I was pretty sure he was kidding but I had to ask. So ask I did and when he didn't give me a straight answer, I kept asking. It didn't get heated but I'm so sensitive to this topic because of my fist marriage. Finally, he sighed and said, "You DO have a job - and you're working every minute that you're awake." Yay! I didn't marry a jerk. He works from home so things could get really strained. You're not wrong in being angry but somebody has to give in, right?! It'll be worth it. Thinking of you tonight. Blessings... Polly

Bethany Hissong said...

Julie, I laughed (because we've all been through's MEN!) and then cried because I just lost a friend suddenly who was only 42 and her husband is now probably wishing that he could thank her for every little tiny thing she did to let him know how much she loved him. And he will never hear or experience that again. Nor will her daughters. Tell THAT to your husband. It is never okay to take anyone's loving gestures for granted. We all do...but let's admit it when we don't. It'll be okay!!! I love you :)

Big W said...

How timely. :)

Susie Q said...

Stubborn and pig headed maybe (Like me all too often!) but OH SO HUMAN!!!
You made me laugh but laugh with a *been there, done that* nod of my head. But I am lucky that Bill will do a lot around here but STILL. He is messy and forgetful and I am always picking up after him. It gets on that old last nerve doesn't it?
I am a stay at home too and danged proud of it but we all get those comments from really hurts when it is from family though I know.
He does need to know you want and need to be valued. You DO work and your job never ends. NEVER! You get no weekends off. No lunches out and no workmates to laugh with. I would not change my status for anything but it would be blessed to be *bored* one day. I have been asked if, as a SAHM, if I get bored. Oh PLEASE give me boredom!! Please! Just once a week or so.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am betting he will apologize to you but I hope he realizes how hard you DO work. His life would never run so smoothly without all you do.


Michelle said...

Julie, I'm sorry you and hubby are fighting. I truly believe a stay at home mom/wife is one of the hardest jobs in the world! I hope your hubby realizes how those words are hurtful. Sending you a hug, Michelle

Bax said...

I watched the same Joel on Sunday. What MY husband got out of it was that I was supposed to love, cherish and take care of HIM?! I don't think he was listening right. *lol*
Husbands!! What're ya gonna do with 'em? I could think of a few things, but I can't write them here!
Hang in there hun!


Penny @ Lavender Hill Studio said...

This was a post, that I imagine all of us women could have written at one time or the other :-).

I always am the one to give in....I just like talking more than my husband - lol.

Anonymous said...

As a mother of four, who is mostly at home, I really sympathise with this post.

I had to laugh at your last line, though.

Meggie said...

Can't wait to see if the teddy worked.

Isadora said...

You WILL survive this and other things because that is the commitment you've made. Without that commitment what would be the sense of getting married. Don't let the day steal your joy - know who you are and go forth without spending much time looking back. It's not easy, but is it ever worth it!

Cottage Contessa said...

Ooooohh yeah, amen to that sweetie. Been there and had THAT conversation before too! It hurts doesn't it, even though you know they don't mean it deep down, it hurts like crazy that they say it! Hugs for you sweetie. Men! Can't live with em', can't get away with ringing their necks! lol
Amanda (aka Cottage Contessa)

Emiline said...

Ohhh Julie....even though you're in a fight, and angry, you make me laugh.
I'm going to have to back you up with this one. He should read this, then maybe he'd realize what an a$$ he's being. ;)

I think a teddy will do the job.

Birdlady said...

It's nice to see that you're human (not that there was ever any doubt, but I hope you know what I mean). Unfortunately, our blogs tend to reflect only the "good" and "fun" stuff in our lives and as readers, sometimes we feel like our lives don't measure up, but we are only seeing the positive stuff that people choose to write about. Glad that you worked things out. :-)
Love your blog!
Audrey the Birdlady